(Wensley) Dale's Cosmic Comics

The Unlistenable P-Men, No. 1

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The Unlistenable P-Men, Issue 153...

Page One:

Lots of smoking rubble. We can see the unconscious bodies of the Brotherhood of Evil Club Owners amongst the wreckage. We see our heroes The Human Twang, Big Bottom, Distortion Girl and Professor M standing (or sitting, in Professor M's case) there. We also see the evil Soundman.

Caption: Last issue our heroes stopped the Brotherhood of Evil Club Owners from raiding Fort Knox! Just as they were getting ready to head back to their headquarters, the sinister Soundman showed up, ready for battle!

Distortion Girl thinks: Not now! We're already tired from battle! And the Human Twang is wanted in Kentucky! He was framed for a crime he didn't commit!

Soundman: So, P Men! Are you ready to fight or flee! Or would you rather get me a hamburger...

Title: ...So Speaks the Soundman!

Page Two:

Panel One:

Big Bottom almost chokes on his cigar and thinks: A hamburger! I wouldn't get my Aunt Petunia a hamburger!

Panel Two:

Big Bottom charges Soundman!

Big Bottom: Bottom's up!

Panel Three:

Human Twang: You fool! No!

Human Twang thinks: My twang powers are almost exhausted! I'm reduced to nothing but weak clanging strums! But still, I've got to help Big Bottom!

Panel Four:

Human Twang attacks!

Human Twang: Twang on!

Panel Five:

Distortion Girl: My wah powers will even the score!

Panel Six:

Professor M: If only I could help! Ever since I was rocketed from a dying planet, bitten by a radioactive spider, watched my parents gunned down, and injected with the super-soldier serum I've been confined to this chair! If only I could be of some use in a brawl!

Twenty pages of fighting follow. More buildings are destroyed, the army is called in, and Soundman takes over most of the soldiers minds forcing the P-Men and the few uncontrolled soldiers left to fight the good soldiers of the US military establisment! The bad soldiers are all glowing red or something.

Page twenty three:

Panel One:

We can barely see the P-men as they're covered with soldiers.

Distortion Girl: There's so many of them!

Big Bottom: I can't use full strength - they're being controlled by the Soundman! They're just regular joes doin' their job! Wotta revoltin' development this is!

Human Twang: Power fading! Can't last much longer! And I still haven't cleared my name!

Professor M: Only once chance left! Must strike the cosmic cowbell!

Panel Two:

Professor M: But it's never been tested! Who knows what strange effects it could have? Still -- I have no choice!

Panel Three:

The cowbell is knocked out of Professor M's hands into the hands of a uncontrolled soldier. His uniform says 'Manke' on it somewhere!

Professor M: No! Then all hope is lost!

Panel Four:

Pvt Manke: I have to save the day! The world is depending on me!

He strikes the cosmic cowbell! The bad soldiers, Soundman, and Pvt. Manke collapse.

Big Bottom: Golly, that crazy gizmo really works!

Panel Five:

The P-men stand around the body of Pvt Manke, which is glowing orange and surrounded by 'kirby dots'!

Distortion Girl: That poor boy! He gave his life to save ours!

Big Bottom: We were almost goners!

Human Twang: I sure could use some rest and relaxation after than brawl!

Panel Six:

Close-up on Pvt Manke's face! His eyes fly open! There is a sneer on his face!

Pvt Manke: Fools!

Page Twenty-four:

Panel One:

Pvt Manke is standing. He is about ten ft tall and four feet wide and glowing. He looks menacing!

Pvt Manke: Now the power of the Cosmic Cowbell is mine to command! Where the world once laughed at Private Manke, now the world will cringe at the crimes of...
...The Critic!

Next Issue: Chaos! Cries the Critic!


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